Watch out for the verb tenses in the beginning. Can be kinda confusing. e.g 'aches'.
May have to flesh out the idea a bit more. Is this a first draft? Could try and rewrite it, see if you can capture the feeling a bit more. Ask yourself about the theme. It seems like a flashback to me, you may wish to make that a bit more clearer by signs in the images and scene. Or change of mood, etc. Dark, love the clarity of the disorientation though. Very dark and heavy. You may wish to curve a balance there between heaviness and the light. maybe. Not the type of thing one wants to start the morning off with! Neat though.
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The Pevensey Bay Disaster
Moriarty: My nerves are strained to breaking point.
[twang]
Moriarty: There goes one now!
Ned's Atomic Dustbin
Bloodnok: I bet you five pounds you'll live forever, starting now!
[pause]
Bloodnok: You've done it! You've lived forever!
~Spike Mulligan
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