I don't even know why I'm on here. I'm really not the type of person that goes ranting about problems online, trying to make my life seem dramatic.

Anyways, I'm 16 and to keep things simple I'll just call myself gay. (I will state, however, that I HATE labels, and no one really can or should identify themselves as something as exclusive as "gay" because when it comes down to it, it really doesn't matter who you love as long as you're happy.)

If I haven't sounded bitchy enough, I'm sure it'll get worse.. because to be honest, I'm a little pissed.

I'm not really sure how much information about myself I should include, but I figure how can you relate or try to understand my problem if you do not know me.

So.
Where to start.. I don't go around telling people I'm gay, and no one really asks, so I'm not "out". Some/Most of my close(r) friends know, but it's kind of a "Don't ask, don't tell" thing. My dad is homophobic, which is one of the main reasons that I haven't officially come out.

The most common question I get is "when did you know you were gay?" My answer: The day I knew I was gay was the day when I was supposed to be delivered and I said Hell NO Bitch, I'm not getting near that thing. The doctors waited two weeks before doing a cesarean operation.

When I was younger, I was the typical "ladies man" or whatever. My first girlfriend was in the first grade. (Here's a tip for all of you breeders: If you want a girlfriend, try being their friend. No one wants to date an asshole.) However, when middle school came around and being smart was no longer a good thing, I found myself at the bottom of the social pool. Needless to say, it was quite the fall from grace.

Since my school goes from 6th to 12th grade, a fresh start wasn't an option and changing people's impression was next to impossible. But over the years, I lost my abrasive attitude and now find myself more well liked. I wouldn't quite say popular, but this isn't Disney Channel, so what do you expect.

So now, I'm a Jr. in high school, well on the way to college, have friends, a driver's license and car, go to parties, and even if I don't have the happiest family, I would consider myself lucky for the most part. I have been depressed in the past (professionally diagnosed and treated), but that part of my life is well over. So what's missing?

I can't seem to find anyone. And it's so, so, so frustrating. It's like, you'll flirt and wrestle with me on your bed, but you are such a coward to deny that you're gay? Or in other cases, it's me flirting with you and putting myself out there for you to take, and the biggest move you can come up with is leaving your hand on my knee for a couple minutes.

I love the facial expression on the guy that I'm sure is gay, always gives me looks, and finally one day walked in my direction as I passed him in the hall, and with no one else around, started to say something, then stood with his mouth open for the thirty seconds it took for me to loose patience and walk to my next class.

Or how about the asshole who treats pretty much everyone like crap and acts like a chauvinistic jock yet lacks the body and looks that I'm sure intended for me to overhear him telling his dumb pot head friends that he is bi curious and would like to do something with a guy, and then gives me a trying-to-be-seductive stare the next day. And when I mean stare, I'm not talking about a two second look. I'm talking about looking at me for pretty much the whole class. Or at least whenever I looked in his direction the few times I wasn't sleeping. And yes, I am sure that he was trying to insinuate something, because I can read people well.

So is it really that hard to find someone? Are people really so scared to be something that they are? I don't understand how people can be so... obsessed with what others think of them. I also don't understand how people are so quick to conform or accept ideas and don't stop to question any of it. I'm tired of people that are so single minded and living in their own world. Where are the down to earth, caring, lovable, brave, and independent (single) guys?

I guess I can't really expect that in high school can I? Well if there is anyone (under 18) that isn't a brainwashed sheep, feel free to contact me. I'm waiting..



Oh,

and I'm more than sure I'm going to regret posting this two seconds after I do.