I was just browsing documents on my laptop that i havent looked at for a long time and I came across this story I'd written 2 years ago....It's a true story about me and reading it now i think i deffinately had problem!!!

Please let me know what you think....

In The Edges Of A Blade.
When you find yourself at your lowest don't make the same mistake a young girl of 13 made. I'll tell you her story.
Her life as a teenager so far was normal, whatever normal is these days. She had just started to become a person and felt the world was going to be easy and straight forward but alas there is no such thing as straight forward when you start to find yourself. School was going okay for her, she had been in trouble alot the previous years and she decided to try and make school worthwhile. She had had many friends and boyfriends for that matter and she felt comfortable with the friends she had at this particular time.
This year was going to be a bad one for her but she didn't know this yet. The forth coming months were going to be a rollercoster of emtions. The first of her problems had a risen one night. She, her mother and her step-father had been out one night. They didn't have a great expidition just to a local chemist. The young girl being inquisitive asked why her mother and step-father needed to go to the chemist. Her step-father replied by saying her mother had herpes, unsure what this was the young girl sat in wonder and thought nothing of it. Back at home the young girl saw her mother put the bag from the chemist in one of her drawers. This girl was so inquisitive that while her mother and step-father were watching television down stairs, she decided to find out what was in the bag from the chemist. She krept into her mothers bedroom and pulled open the drawer she had seen her mother place the bag. She pulled the bag open and she froze on the spot. She could not believe her eyes, she was so confused at what she had found. She closed the bag and shut the drawer and ran to her room. There she sat all night in wonder and despair, what was she to do?
I haven't told you this young girls name for the simple fact that the young girl was me, 16 year old Tania Smith. I felt the need to tell my story incase i ever forgot what i've been through or i die before i can tell the story through my eyes not what everyone saw.
Tanya, a friend from school, called for me the next morning. She was inquisitive as to what was wrong with me but i stayed quiet and simply told her it was nothing i had just had had no sleep that night. When we arrived at school i pulled her aside and asked her if i could talk to her about something. Obviously she said yes so i told her what was troubling me and i can still remember to this day what i said. It was sort of a happy but angry blurt of I think my mums pregnant. Tanya's face lit up I could instantly tell she thought this was fantastic news, me on the other hand wasn't to sure. I felt lost and scared.
I went home like usual and said nothing about the pregnancy test i had found the night before. After dinner my mother and step-father asked me to come and sit outside with them as they had important news to tell me. So I did although I already knew what I was about to be told I was still so shocked at what my ears had received i didn't know what to do with myself so i just cried. My mother asked what was wrong, was i crying because I was happy or because I was upset. To this day I still do not know what emotions I were feeling that first year or so.
The first few months were okay because there was no physical signs of a new baby yet. So I felt safe from what was coming in the next 6 months. Then it began i started to come to terms with this new human intruding into my life and tried my hardest to accept this. It was fine when my little brother Dexter was born averything seemed okay. Then it started. I was alowed to see my mum in hospital once, just once and i missed her so much. Then they came home. It must have been about half past 8 at night and i got sent to bed . The reason for this was because THEY wanted to spend some time alone with the new baby. So off i went and cried myself to sleep. People started to come round and see this new thing that had taken over evryones lives i felt like a lost lamb never alowed near its mother. I began to fall intho depression, I know what your thinking, how can a 13 year old know what depression is? Well when you get it you know what it is. I felt like i was the only one that had this illness but during school ICT lessons i would look on the internet and found there were millons or people that had this illness. After a while i stopped looking on the internet and decided to talk to a friend about it. She had and illness to but not a mental one it was a physical one but not one that you need medication for. She had found a cure for her pain and hurt and she had found it in the edges of a blade. We sat for a while, her with this blade in her hand, it was covered in blood, then she showed me her arm. There were only a few small cuts on her arm they looked quite deep but nothing serious. When i went home that night i decided to give this cutting ago. I found an old plastic sharpener. One of those ones that you can unscrew a screw to get the blade out. There i sat with this blade unsure what i was about to do i took a deep breath and made a small cut in my left arm. It stung for a while but it didn't bleed much so i did it again but it still stung so i cleaned the blade and put it back into the sharpener and no one new anything different. I usualy had my arms covered so no one ever saw those two small cuts. I found after a few months i was starting to feel really low and unwanted. Everyone was still wrapped up in Dexter to notice anything was wrong with me i guess i had just put on a brave face for everyone around me. I had really started to pick myself up i concerntrated on things at school and things went well for a while but school seemed to much of an easy ride so i started slipping with my work and prefered to just sit and talk or cause a disruption with someone the other side of the room. Then things started to get really bad. I would refuse to do work, i would be late to all my lessons and constantly disrupt my lessons. Finally i was playing on my teachers nerves. I had already been on report since the start of Year 9 but i had behaved my self so much that i was finally on green report, this is the lowest report you can be on before you are alowed to come off it all together. My head of year started to notice the bad comments i had been getting from certain teachers so she upped my report to yellow, then to red. Everything was starting to get hard again i felt i was losing control of myself again, i admit i was. One night i had had an argument or something with my family i can't quite remember what it was about but it triggered something off in my head. I went into the bathroom cupboard and grabbed three of my step-father's disposeable razor's. I grabbed my scissors and shut my bedroom door hoping no one would come in. I snapped the plastic that held the blades in place with the scissors. I then reached for a peice of paper and held it up, placed the sharp edge of the blade on top of the paper and with little pressure i sliced the paper in half . I was sitting in tears at this moment so i just started cutting my arm. At first it would only be one or two cuts after the previous had healed. Then it became regular i started off once a week , then it got worse it would be an urge to get home fast enough to cut my arm as much as i could before i had to do anything. I felt a sense of relief every time i made a cut. The more cuts i did the deeper they got. This had become a part of my routineit was almost, to me, normal. I was to scared to tell anyone at first what i was doing to myself. One day someone grabbed my arm and i screamed so loud everyone wondered what was wrong. I confided in my friends as to keep people out of my buisness. Sooner or later it was going to get out and it did. I had people i didn't even know coming up to me asking me to show them my arm. This made me worse so that night i went home and cut my arm so much i couldn't physically bend it. The next day at school i showed my friends and i just sat there and cried. I asked them what was wrong with me n why i kept hurting myself a few of them just turned there backs on me but someone rang a girl i had known since we were two years old. She happened to be off this day so she came down to school at lunch and asked what was wrong so i showed her my arm. She looked horrified yet sympathetic she gave me a hug and told me everything was going to be okay. Before she left at the end of lunch she told me to come to hers after school.
Thats when my mother found out. She looked at me like she was disgusted with me. What she said i can't remember i was to busy thinking about my next cutting spree. She took some of my blades. I had hidden the rest and i decided to sort my self out. I stopped cutting and started writting poems and things i still have the blades and the letters i wrote kept safely in my reach. I have only used a blade once since and that was because i was really low i almost thought i was slipping back to how things were.

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LIFE Ha Its a funny old thing.