I tried but it wasn't compelling enough. First off, you repeated a lot of the details/phrases/etc twice. It's a problem i have as well so I know how hard it is to get around it, but practice describing things in different ways. As a writer, you have to practice your craft, like any other. So look at something new everyday, whether it's the sun, your brother, or a tuba, and describe it in as many ways as you can.
Since this screams horror/suspense genre, you really have to hook the reader with the first 100-150 words. Those need emotions and enough detail to get by. You really want to have the reader go into that person (protagonist) almost instantly, then play the settings, other people, and the plot.
Example from my favorite book:
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Chapter 1 of Idlewild - Nick Sagan
I'm not dead.
A dim realization but an important one, because I should have died. The shock of whatever just ripped through me was strong enough to do it-some kind of electrical overload lighting me up from head to toe like a fireworks display. But my brain kept repeating the mantra: "not dead, not dead, not dead," and pretty soon I had to believe it. One eye popped open and then the other, and consciousness (if you can call it that) slowly returned.
Cold and dark. Orange. Harvest. A damp, musty smell; sound of crickets; the bite of a monster headache. Yes, I was trapped in a pumpkin patch, twisted and tensed, taking shallow breaths like a newborn kitten.
Clarity did not follow consciousness. My mind felt sluggish, and all attempts at coherant though made my temples ache worse. Why? What happened to me?
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Notice the first paragraph is taking you into the character? You're learning his thought process and emotions/feelings. Then you go into his view of the world, the setting. After that, then you get the plot.