The lights in the room went out and some people screamed from the shock. “Do you smell that?” The person I was just dancing with asked.
“Yeah, oil.” I replied.
“That’s not the only thing.” The guy said as he grabbed my arm and pulled me through the crowd of dancing people.
“Where are you taking me?” I asked as I tripped over my heel.
“Back upstairs,” The mystery man said as he held my hand even tighter.
While ascending the stairs, I noticed the music ceased and everyone was screaming. I tried my best to scan the crowd to find my friends and my sister, but I couldn’t see anything in the dark. “How can you see where you’re going?” I asked this guy.
“I have a really good sense of sight at night.” He answered. “Watch your step.” He said as I tripped over an unknown object. The further we went from the dance floor, the further the screams sounded.
“What’s going on?” I asked him as soon as he stopped moving, causing me to run right into him, “Where are my friends?”
“When I tell you to go, run for your life toward the back exit.” He said completely ignoring my questions.
“Why?” I asked as I pulled away from him. “I’m not doing anything else until you tell me what’s going one and where my friends are.”
“As far as I know, they’re already dead.” He said as he turned around to face me. “And if you don’t shut up and follow me, you’re also as good as dead.” The both of us stood there in silence, facing one another, for the longest minute of my life. After a minute of silence he grabbed my arm again. This time he wasn’t able to hold on for long.
“Once you get out of here, drive home, lock all of your doors and windows, and go straight to bed. Make sure no one leaves your house until sunrise.”
Before I could give him a simple, “Okay”, a ghastly voice cut me off and said, “Aw poor baby. Are you going to run home to mommy?” The person who had the ghastly voice then chuckled and then continued to speak, “Oh, sorry, I forgot. Your mommy’s dead, along with the rest of your godforsaken family. Would you like for me to describe to you the feel of your younger brothers dying body in my hand? Or perhaps the sound of your mothers scream as her body burned very slowly on the bed next to her dead husband who was staked to death? Oh or better yet, would you like for me to describe the satisfaction in your other brothers’ face as we killed every member of your family?”
Even though I was looking up at the stranger and watching his lips move, I wasn’t able to decipher what he was saying until about the fifth or sixth time.
“Run” He hissed. At hearing this word I held my purse closer to my body and darted toward the door. I jumped over chairs like they were hurdles and dodged the tables as well as a track star could. But the voice that stopped me completely was one I didn’t expect to hear.
“You miss me?” The person I ran into said with a chuckle. “Its only been like a week or two since we last saw each other.” I looked up at the person and backed away as fast as I could. Standing before me was my twin sister who died exactly 3 weeks ago.
“You don’t seem too happy to see me.” As she spoke a small buzzing noise sounded, “But I wont lie I’m happy to see you.” She smiled a smile so wide that I could see her sharp bloody teeth. She walked closer and closer to me with every word that came out of her mouth. The more she spoke, the louder the buzzing noise in the background grew. The sound grew louder and louder until it finally stopped.
I found myself lying in my bed staring up at the face of a worried friend.

“Are you okay?” Melanie asked as she walked over to my closet and pulled out my clothes. “Mom said she heard you screaming again, so I came to check up on you.” She turned and smiled at me.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I said as I crawled into my kitty house shoes. “It was just another one of my crazy nightmares.” I smiled back at her.

I’ve been having that same nightmare since that fated night. The night none of us dare to talk about, the night that will haunt us forever.
It all started at, The Bloody Massacre, when the five of us became instant V.I.P’s. It was my twin sister, Si’Ana and I, plus our three best friends, Melanie, Latasha, and Kimberly. While waiting near the middle of the line to the entrance of this new hot night club, Si’Ana, Kimberly and I noticed one of Melanie’s many friends from the local library was standing by a huge body guard at the entrance of this place, so we waved him over. His name was Nicholas and he was wearing a red silky vest with black dress pants, the same attire employee’s at this club wore. It turned out that his brother was the owner of the club, which automatically made him an employee.
Once Melanie noticed we were talking to her friend she deliberately ignored whatever Tasha was saying and walked closer to the four of us. “Hey look what we’ve got!” Si’Ana said as she flashed five V.I.P passes in Tasha and Mel’s faces.
“How’d you get those?” Mel asked as she grabbed them from Si’Ana’s hand.
“Your buddy Nick from your job works here.” Kim answered with a slight smile.
“Thanks.” Mel said quietly as she held onto the passes. “How do these work?”
“ Well the line for the V.I.P’s is on this side.” He said as he pointed at were he was standing. “First you must get to this side, go up to Max at the door and flash the passes into his face. He’ll check to see if they’re valid slips, stamp your hand, and let you walk in.” Nicholas answered in great detail.
“Are these actually valid?” I asked as I took mine and stared at it. “It has your name on it.”
“My name on it shows that you’re my guests and that it’s valid.” He flashed a bright smile my way. “Are you going to wait until tomorrow to get over here?” He asked as he backed away from the bar and stretched out a hand for us to grab.
Si’Ana was the first to grab his hand and jump over into the V.I.P line, next was Melanie, and followed by Latasha, Kimberly, and myself. “My job isn’t over out here so do what I instructed you to do and you’ll get in free. Hopefully I’ll see you girls around the club.” He smiled as he walked off into the trees.
The five of us walked down the V.I.P line in silence until we reached the door with the big body guard sat. He looked down at the five of us and grunted. “Passes,” He said with an attitude. The five of us showed him our passes and he mumbled something followed by letting us in. As soon as we entered the club a young man around our age came up to us and introduced himself as Daniel, our waiter. He noticed our passes and led us upstairs past everyone on the dance floor.
“Why are you taking us upstairs?” Latasha asked as she held onto the railing.
“This club is set up like a caste system. The people who are worthy enough to have V.I.P passes resemble the nobles. They are seated up top away from everyone else who wasn’t worthy enough to become a V.I.P. Those people resemble the peasants.” He answered as he led us to our seats which were near the edge of the room. “I must retire to my other duties, but if you need me just call my name or something and I’ll be there to assist you further.” He said as he disappeared.
“This seams a bit too fancy to be a night club.” Kim said a few minutes after Daniel left and the music started.
“Even though its fancy it gives off the impression of a night club.” Melanie said as she opened her book and put her reading glasses on. “It may seem too fancy to be a night club, but in reality this club is what gives night club, its name.”
“Whatever.” Latasha and Si’Ana said in unison.
“I’m just here to party.” Si’Ana said as she jumped out of her seat. “Who wants to kick it with me?” She started dancing near her chair. “Kia?”
“Sorry, maybe next time.” I said with a shrug. “This song doesn’t do it for me.”
“Whatev.” Si’Ana said as she walked down the stairs to the dance floor.
It was about the forth song when the rest of us finally decided to go down and dance with the rest of the guests. Our first objective was to find Si’Ana and then dance. But when we couldn’t find that girl after five minutes of searching we decided to go out and dance.
“Where do you think she is?” I asked after our third dance.
“Most likely off dancing with some hot stud she found on the dance floor.”Latasha said with a smile. “You know how your sister works, Nakia.”
During this dance all of the lights went out and a deep voice ordered us to immediately take our seats. In the act of trying to find my friends, I felt a cold hand grab onto me and pull me along. The lights turned back on and I found myself standing beside our waiter, Daniel.
“You should go back to your seat quickly.” He told me followed by walking away.
Once I was able to see my seat I noticed everyone but my sister was sitting in their designated spots. While I was quickly walking back to my seat the lights cut off again causing me to run into someone, “Sorry.” I said as I finally made it to my friends. A stage light turned on in the middle of the dance floor so my three friends and I ran over to the edge and looked down to see who the stage light was on.

heres some more to the story ><

“Are you even listening to a word I’m saying, Kia?” Mel asked with a disgruntled look across her face.
“Yeah,” I answered with a smile. “You were talking about that math test today.” I said as I drank the rest of my OJ.
“Did you study for it?” She asked as she grabbed both of our dishes and put them in the sink. “You were out of it all weekend, so I’m not really sure if you studied anything.”
“Even if she didn’t study, the lowest she would get is an A-.” Kim said as she walked into the kitchen and took a pancake off of the stove.
“You two ready?” Latasha asked as she twirled the car keys on her finger. “Just so you know, that excuse for a girl isn’t driving today.”
“Then who’s driving?” I asked.
“Diego’s actually attending school today.” Kim said silently as she stared at me.
In hearing his name I shivered a bit and started remembering the events of that night.

The four of us pushed through the crowd of V.I.P’s until we finally made it up to the edge, where we could see everything that was going on, on the bottom floor. A few seconds after looking at who was under the limelight, I noticed that it was no other than my twin sister and some hot man. She was wearing a blood red dress with her long blonde hair straight down and he was wearing a black suit. The two of them began to dance to a slow song. The song and dance went on for almost two minutes until it cut off. At that moment the man flashed a bright smile at the audience, brought my sister closer to him and leaned in to her neck. As soon as he made this action strobe lights came on and screams were heard everywhere. I looked out into the audience and saw many people falling down and blood being splattered everywhere. I quickly turned to see if my friends were still standing beside me but none of them were there. I was alone in a dark room with screams sounding everywhere. By instinct I dropped down in the fetal position and started to cry. Not even a minute after I broke down crying someone quickly pulled me up and led me through the upstairs. The person gently held my hand and led me through the building. There was no conversation between us until we entered a cold room where I met up with my friends.
“Are you okay, Kia?” Mel’s voice sounded as a warm body tightly hugged me.
“Yeah,” I answered as I started to cry again. “I saw blood.” I sobbed.
“Yeah, we did too.” Kim said as she patted my head. “Where’s Ana?”
“…I haven’t seen her since that slow dance.” Latasha answered.
“That girl…was your friend?” The waiter asked sounding astonished.
“That doesn’t matter anymore.” Nicholas said as he opened the kitchen window. “Just leave this place now and never come back.” Somehow he was able to grab me and put me out the window not giving me time to hesitate. He did the same with the rest and then closed the window.
The four of us began walking to the nearest place but were stopped by someone driving a car. The person stopped right in front of us and rolled down the window. We looked inside the car and saw it was Kim’s step brother, Diego. He was bruised and bloody but he still had the energy to make all of us get inside the vehicle. He dropped each of us off and then drove off with Kim.
Now its three weeks later and just a day ago the police found my sisters dead body lying in a dumpster.

Please tell me your thoughts on it. How bad/good/horrible/horrific it is XP

<3 Devie <3

WOOOOOOOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that is brilliant!!!! write more lol wow

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LIFE Ha Its a funny old thing.

Hehez thank you Nia! *grah i love calling you that its such a cute name, how did people not think of it?*

I'll try to write more during the holiday *when i actually have time to relax and continue to write.

Do you have anything mean to say about it. I need criticism!

<3 Devie <3

No no criticism for you it was wonderfull!!!

xXx

Nia

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LIFE Ha Its a funny old thing.

I have read some parts of your story, and it really seems interesting, you have a talent for writing. Unfortunately, I have no time to read it entire, because it is pretty complicated for me to read such a long text in English. Keep writing

-When you begin the story, the lights go out, and everyone appears shocked. Is it realistic to say they kept dancing, with the lights out, while they're pretty shaken up?
-Noone really seemed phased by the fact that he just randomly walked off into the trees. Wouldn't that seem sort of strange, if you were the one observing?
-The setting isn't described. The setting needs to be included, in order to create imagery, which is a very important part of storytelling.
-A "hot man" is not a good description. It might be appropriate in dialogue, but it is a very poor descriptive phrase.
-The flashback part is unclear. When you're beginning to write, it's important to add "* * *" when there are significant changes in the time period, until you are able to make it more obvious for the reader.
-"Now its three weeks later and just a day ago the police found my sisters dead body lying in a dumpster." is a terrible way to describe a turn of events. You should show, not tell what is happening (through action, rather than explaining).
You're quite talented! You're also very good at describing things. Keep writing!

Yay, first criticism! I really needed it. So thank you.
I'll touch up on the spots you've pointed out and try to fix them all. I wont get to it today or tomorrow but I might have some time this weekend to fix it up ^_^.
Really I do thank you!
And thank you for telling me I'm talented. I stopped writing after eighth grade and just started writing again, this year.
But really, thankies!

<3 Devie <3

Thank you!
I'll continue writing.
Is english not your first language???

<3 Devie <3