1500words max so it's short
critique would be appreciated

Sleep was fitful. Dull aches along my body began pricking, irritating me. They began to burn and before I knew it, I was screaming. Screaming, tossing and turning at the fresh awakening of pain. The bleating noises crescendoed and grew ecstatic; the intensity morphed into sirens. A nightmare reaching its climax, its symphony as air began to force its way down my throat. My chest could do nothing but rise and fall at the mercy of the intrusive air. Yet, the siren dulled and though the pricks of heat would not go away– it was tolerable and sleep graciously came over me.
They said I had not screamed that night. Neither tossed nor turned. I had not moved an inch. That night or any of the following nights as my body began to refuse this bottomless and empty sleep. My mind became active– my body fretful; harmoniously working to bring me to the brink of consciousness. It was time to wake up. So I woke.
Heavy eyes– encrusted firmly, shut over time. Ripping this seal only to be rewarded with the searing and punishing light. I breathed deeply as my eyes closed– shutting off the surreal glimpse I had caught.
White! Everything was white. As the light dulled and moved from my face I ventured another peek. Slowly, ever so slowly, the blur of the white defined itself into inanimate objects. All white and sterilised and surreal and a menacing bleating of my very own heartbeat could be heard. It echoed around the room disturbing the heavy blanket of silence.
“Such a beautiful morning I...” The delightfully melodic voice was suddenly strained and stopped. The words had sliced through the air but already a thick and heavy atmosphere was all that remained. Her bewildered eyes continued to grow until they were like large saucers on her slight face.
“Mia. Mia. Mia....You’re back.” I involuntarily flinched at her soft caress; which instantly stopped. Anxious brown deep set eyes faced me and as I faced her with my own brown deep set eyes. I felt something begin to move within me as recognition dawned on me. Parched lips croaked her name and I watched as a familiar goofy smile broke on her face.
Where was I? Why? What? Overwhelmed but I had to reach out to touch her; I reached out to embrace her; reaching out for my kid sister.
****
The slop of food fell on my lap- again. Another muscle spasm, another mess, another failed attempt left on the floor. Too aware of my pitiful situation I could feel the wave of self pity build up- ready to drown me. So I began wallowing in despair. I ignored the fussing of my nurse, as she changed my mucked up clothing and attempted to feed me as if a baby, as I contemplated my situation.
They had sat around my bed. Broke the news gently, that I’d been in a car crash and been in intensive care ever since. Asleep for 10 days and had recovered nicely. I’d felt nothing. Everybody about me seemed to have aged- but I don’t doubt stress could have brought that about. Sleepless nights would have affected my loved ones. They smiled warmly. I smiled back. I saw the smiles but I felt nothing. Something was missing. Too much time had passed. Too much seemed to be missing.
I missed everything. Boy, I missed my independence and dignity so much! The room was creepy. It was too white, too quiet. Too many people had died in this very room, too many times before. I felt alienated from my family- there was a strain and they were careful with what they said. Sure enough the nurses and doctors were nice enough on the surface but the underlying current made you aware of how impartial they were to your situation. Another patient to cure, they had seen worst cases- I’m sure.
I looked about the room. The nurse had left. Her time with me was done and was off to another patient and I hadn’t noticed. Left alone with my own thoughts... and to the constant bleating of the machine- both of which I am very well acquainted to now.
What was there to do? I couldn’t sit up for long as it hurts too much. Left in my recycled thoughts and my current disabilities, there weren’t much I could do. So I slept.

It’s been eight weeks since I’d woken up that day. The slop of food fell on my lap- again. Another muscle spasm, another mess, yet another failed attempt left on the floor. Serena, my beloved sister, clenched her fists as she took in the scene. A scene she’d seen countless times.
“Let me help out. It’ll be quicker and before the food gets cold.” She volunteered.
“No thanks Rena, I want to do this for myself. One day soon I’ll get it, I just have to get myself into the routine of it again.”
“Yes but I came here to be helpful. Let me help you out.”
“You’ve come in your free periods at school.” I stated looking at her school uniform. “The uniform’s a bit small for you and what about your education?”
She blushed modestly. “I know I know but…”
“And you come at all hours of the day, different times each week? Does your free period time shift every week? Rena?”
“I’ve missed you at home. It’s been a tough 10 days and…” Silly, silly Serena was indeed stammering now I noticed. I could feel the built up tension in me slowly being released. Poor Serena was at the receiving end of it.
“Why are there no black and blue bruises? No cuts, is there scarring? I would like to see please- can you fetch me a mirror? I’ve not looked at myself, at the damage.”
“We thought it best that you get to see yourself when you’ve recovered. Preserve your ego and self esteem…”
“My self esteem has hit the rocks a long time ago.” I flatly stated.
“Come on, you’re irritated. Let Rena feed you for today, yeah? It’s the most I can do…”
“Are you listening? Sure my body seems to have been on a bit of a vacation and doesn’t follow my simple humble whims but of late, my brain has been in turbo mode!” Silence followed. Taking a deep breath I let the momentum of my anger take me. “After a car crash that took place 10 days for me to reach consciousness, there does not appear to be any internal bruising or external injury. Sure, my body doesn’t seem to obey me, even after 8 weeks; despite having no injury; being told that I have recovered and doing extremely well, I cannot do the anything for myself! Do you honestly think that 10 days asleep could have such prolonged effects?” The noise had risen dramatically in the room, and was met with the stifling silence.
I could smell Serena’s fear and the smell mingled with my own anger. I was sick and tired of hearing and seeing smiles and shrill voices plastered on my sister’s face. Sick and tired of being scared. She was mobile and lovely and completely capable. I was completely jealous. They had played me for a fool yet today, I was having none of it and today, they had messed up.
Grabbing her left hand, I screamed.
“WHAT IS THIS? WHAT IS THIS RENA? What is this wedding ring doing on an alleged 15year old school girl?!” The hot tears were streaming down my face now. Salty at the corners of my lips, I could feel the anger deflate out of me now.
The truth was out now. What now? Serena could do nothing. What was there to explain? She held me close to her as I shrivelled into a heap on her lap. Begging now; I was begging to know now. The truth that would turn my life around again and if I couldn’t handle the truth…I don’t want to think about it.
“How long has it been? How long has it really been?” I met her glazed eyes with my own. I feel so weak and empty. Broken and deceived. I stared and stared and the words left her lips. I didn’t hear it.

Soon after, the family gathering was around my bed again. Yet this time there was no words left to say. Serena brought me a small mirror. I couldn’t deny what I saw, surreal as it is.
Hair lay limp on my shoulders as I touched the crevices and scars on my face. Lines, formed over time over my face and my forever down turned lips. I touched myself looking into the mirror and cried. Broken, I cried. How I’d aged. So much time had passed.
Yet behind every grey cloud is a silver lining. I’ve found all my jigsaw pieces. Now I can start to build the picture of my life. Now I can start to rebuild my life.


thanks

Wow I love your story!
It's really good, and really interesting.
I didn't see anything wrong with it...but my English skills suck

Good job

thank you very much
its been a while since ive returned here lol

I've noticed
I was off here for awhile too.

cool i like you seem cool

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